Who are the worst drivers by brand? No, it’s not BMW

It was near 9 p.m., and as the cocktail reception began to wane, he leaned conspiratorially forward, placing his empty glass on a nearby table. “It’s BMWs, right?” he said. “It’s got to be Bimmer drivers.” We’d only met 10 minutes earlier but he wanted me to pick the worst drivers, according to make and model.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “What do you drive?”

“Huh,” he said and looked for a waiter.

What do you think?

Who are the worst drivers? It is a much-debated question. When someone finds out I write about cars and driving, they often want me to pick a loser and just as often they have a name in mind.

• The Audi driver thinks Honda Civic drivers are the worst
• The minivan dad loathes Ford 150 drivers
• The guy in the Volvo XC90 SUV hates Range Rover drivers
• The standard transmission traditionalist despises Tesla drivers

Or, in the case of the cocktail reception, the Toyota Camry commuter was convinced BMW drivers were the bottom of the barrel.

The question itself is an interesting statement on human beings. No one ever asks me who are the best.

So, let’s answer it. Who are the worst drivers? Which car attracts the dangerous, distracted and deplorable? Or does a certain type of automobile turn good drivers bad? Can a Honda Civic transform an Audi driver into a menace?

Let’s begin with love and hate. Love is outward and specific. Love is finding the singular promise of tomorrow in another person. “There are all kinds of love in the world,” wrote F. Scott Fitzgerald. “But never the same love twice.”

Hatred is inward and general. Hate is a reflection of what we unknowingly despise in ourselves. There are a billion kinds of hate in the world, and they are all depressingly the same. Hate is finding a one-size-fits-all excuse for why you gave up on today. My childhood friend John Kiiffner, who now owns a restaurant in Ottawa, had a theory that people were repelled by the familiar. “You’ll hate him,” he’d say before introducing me to someone. “He’s exactly like you.”

He was always right.

Which bring us to the worst drivers. There are two main types, determined by the timing and immediacy of the transgression.

The worst drivers are in whatever type of automobile just…

• Cut you off
• Wouldn’t let you merge
• Took two parking spaces
• Honked at you
• All of the above

If they were driving a Mini Cooper Countryman, then Mini Cooper Countryman drivers are the worst. If they were in a Dodge Grand Caravan, then minivan drivers are the pits of the world. If they were in a Porsche, then Porsche drivers stink.

We then have the demons we conjure from memory. It’s here that hate’s reflective nature plays a role. I’ll use my own prejudice to illustrate. I don’t hate the drivers of any particular make of automobile, but I have to confess to harbouring a slight resentment against pickups. If a guy in a Dodge Ram fails to give me the wave after I let him merge in front of me, it irks me more than other sorts of vehicles. Typical pickup driver.

Upon examination it’s clear what’s behind the derision. In my small mind, pickup trucks reside in the realm of the macho. People who drive them haul heavy loads and are good at fixing things. They can repair electrical wiring. When a pickup driver gets a head cold, they pop a lozenge and get on with their day. If you need a hand-crafted oak chair, a guy in a pickup can whip one up on the spot. I’ve never had any talent or interest in such activities, but that doesn’t stop me from envying (read: resenting) those who do. Hence the hate.

This leads us to the most notable aspect of labelling the worst drivers in the world. None of us know any of them personally. While I might hold casual dislike for pickups, nobody I know who drives a pickup fits my twisted stereotype. They are lawyers, tradespeople, doctors, writers and many other things. Some of them are handy and some wouldn’t know the right end of a hammer. It’s all the other pickup drivers who are awful – until I meet them.

So, who’s the worst? I’ve spent more than 750 words unravelling the mystery but, in the end, it’s not so complicated. Who are the worst drivers?

Easy. Find the nearest mirror and you’ll have your answer.