Welcome to slow news summer: Let’s play a time-wasting NHL roster-building game

It’s mid-July. All the best free agents have signed, all the trade talk has cooled off, the draft is in the rearview mirror, and nothing is happening. Half of the hockey world has already taken off to a cottage or golf course, cell phones turned off. Welcome to the dog days of summer.

Or, as we call them around here, pretty much the best time of the year.

Yeah, it’s time to get weird. This is the time of year when my boss is on vacation and there’s no hockey news to get in the way of me torpedoing your productivity with random trivia and time-wasters.

It’s not for everyone. If you’re looking for in-depth analysis of line rushes from prospect camp, I can’t help you. And if you’re the sort of person who likes to stomp off to the comment section to grumble “Slow news day?” let me answer you in advance: No, dummy, more like slow news month. Consider having some fun with the whole sports fan thing for once in your life.

See? I just called some of my readers dummies. You can’t get away with that stuff in February, when people are paying attention. Hockey summers are the best.

Today’s time-waster comes from reader Nathaniel R., who phrased it this way: “Come up with a starting lineup for a letter and number, where each player’s last name has to start with the letter and be of that many numbers in length.”

In other words, you could put Bobby Orr on Team O3, but he won’t have much help beyond Steve Ott. By contrast, Sidney Crosby could team with Bobby Clarke and Paul Coffey on Team C6, but might get stuck with Mike Condon in net.

I like it. We’re doing this. But first, a few ground rules™:

• We want a starting lineup of three forwards, two defensemen and a goalie.

• We’ll go back to the Original Six era or earlier if needed, but will try to stay as recent as we can for you kids out there.

• No repeat last names, even if the players aren’t related.

• And just for an extra twist, this time we’re also going to name a coach for each team.

As always, I’ll do the first dozen or so, then turn it over to you in the comments to come up with better ones that make me feel bad about myself.

Team G7

We said we couldn’t use Orr, but let’s start our first roster with one of the game’s other all-time greats. Wayne Gretzky gives us a decent start at forward, and we can play him with 700 goals’ worth of Mike Gartner and 1,400 points of Doug Gilmour. That’s a Hall of Fame combo that should be tough to match, and we have Ryan Getzlaf, Rod Gilbert and Marian Gaborik waiting on the bench if we need them.

The back end is a little tougher, though. We do have Sergei Gonchar available for one of the blue-line spots, and J.S. Giguere is a reasonable option in goal, but Team G7 ends up being a little top-heavy for my liking.

Forwards: Wayne Gretzky, Doug Gilmour, Mike Gartner

Defense: Sergei Gonchar, Dan Girardi

Goalie: J.S. Giguere

Coach: Gerard Gallant

And since we’ve done Gretzky, let’s go to other obvious roster-starter.

Team L7

Mario Lemieux is the building block here, and we can give him two Hall of Fame linemates in Guy Lafleur and Ted Lindsay. That’s a neat group, and as an added bonus, we already have a chunk of the team photo done.

The depth would include two-thirds of the Legion Of Doom, with Eric Lindros and John LeClair, so have fun trying to stop Mario with those guys running around the offensive zone.

Much like Team G7, things get weaker once we get past the forwards. We do have a multi-time Norris winner in Rod Langway, but after that, the pickings get slim enough that we’re considering journeymen and reality-show contestants before settling on a guy who at least got traded for an MVP.

Forwards: Mario Lemieux, Guy Lafleur, Eric Lindros

Defense: Rod Langway, Adam Larsson

Goalie: Reggie Lemelin

Coach: Jacques Lemaire

I think that’s a better roster than Team G7, but not by much. Let’s try one more hockey immortal, this one with a shorter name …

Team H4

Gordie Howe leads the way here and gets a Hull as a linemate. And unlike our first two teams, we have an easy call in goal: Glenn Hall.

Unfortunately, our “no repeat names” rule means we can only use one of Brett or Bobby, not both. We’re also out of luck on Mark Howe, not to mention Taylor Hall. That grinds things to a halt pretty quickly, as this shorter name just doesn’t have enough to work with to find six surefire stars, and pretty soon we’re weighing the pros and cons of Justin Holl.

Also, there’s only one coach available and he’s from the 1930s, so X’s and O’s might be an issue.

Forwards: Gordie Howe, Brett Hull, Darren Helm

Defense: Bill Hajt, Sean Hill

Goalie: Glenn Hall

Coach: Cecil Hart

OK, that was a little bit better on the back end, but let’s try building a contender from the net out…

Team B7

The big news here is, we can start with Ray Bourque and Martin Brodeur (with Eddie Belfour as a backup). That’s a pretty phenomenal start, so it goes without saying that the forwards are weak. When you’re weighing the inclusion of Matthew Barnaby, you know something has gone very wrong. I dug deep into the history books to avoid that, then found a coach who was just starting his career when all these 1930s stars were at their peak.

Forwards: Brian Bellows, Frank Boucher, Max Bentley

Defense: Ray Bourque, Bill Barilko

Goalie: Martin Brodeur

Coach: Rick Bowness

That went nowhere. But in scanning for B-list stars, I think I found a better option.

Team B5

Yeah, this one works much better, led by an old-timey Leafs goaltending duo of Broda and Bower. We’ve got arguably the greatest goal-scorer ever, a very solid modern-day blue-line pairing, an all-time great coach, a current star, and just enough depth that I can even work in a blatant homer pick as my last forward instead of the more deserving Jesper Bratt. It all adds up to my favorite team so far.

Forwards: Mike Bossy, Johnny Bucyk, Rob Brown

Defense: Brent Burns, Rob Blake

Goalie: Turk Broda

Coach: Toe Blake

And yes, we could have gone with a different defenseman to allow for Pat Burns as coach. Now I’m picturing Rob Brown getting coached by classic-90s Burns and I think I love this team a little too much. Let’s move out of the Bs and try something new.

Team P6

The real tragedy here is that using Denis Potvin on the blue line means we can’t put Felix Potvin in goal, and have to turn to some Habs scrub instead. Well, that and the forwards stink.

Forwards: Zach Parise, David Perron, Dave Poulin

Defense: Denis Potvin, Pierre Pilote

Goalie: Jacques Plante

Coach: Rudy Pilous

Good but not great. Next.

Team J4

I realized that I could start with Jaromir Jagr and Roman Josi and decided to do this one solely for degree of difficulty.

Forwards: Jaromir Jagr, Tyson Jost, Risto Jalo

Defense: Roman Josi, Greg Joly

Goalie: Pauli Jaks

Coach: Tampa Bay Lightning goaltending coach Frantz Jean

That was a mistake!

Team K4

I wanted to try to put together a Team K9 for all your pup fans out there, but I’m not sure Pyotr Kochetkov and Joel Kiviranta are quite ready to carry a team. Instead, we’ll stick with the short names for a team that could at least show J4 how it’s done.

Forwards: Dave Keon, Patrick Kane, Tim Kerr

Defense: Torey Krug, Filip Kuba

Goalie: Trevor Kidd

Coach: Dave King

Let’s try a few more to take it down the homestretch.

Team S5

Shifting strategy, I thought I’d start with a combo that delivers an elite forward to build around. The good news is that the S5 list is a long one; the not-so-good news is that half of those names are just “Smith.” I went with Billy in goal, although Jusse Saros is lurking for that spot, and decided against picking one Sedin over another. There’s also some debate to be had over how to deploy Staal, Suter and even Steen.

In the end, this is what I came up with, and I think it works.

Forwards: Joe Sakic, Steve Shutt, Eric Staal

Defense: Eddie Shore, Ryan Suter

Goalie: Billy Smith

Coach: Fred Shero

Is that our best team yet? I think it might be, but let’s stay in the S-tier and see if we can improve it…

Team S5 is built around elite forward Joe Sakic. (Brian Bahr / Getty Images)

Team S7

Yep, these guys are absolutely loaded, so much so that we can use Hall of Fame player Milt Schmidt at coach instead of forward or defense. We also don’t have to use Steven Stamkos, and I avoided Martin St. Louis because I didn’t feel like arguing over whether periods should count in a player’s total.

And yes, I will be referring to these guys as S Club 7, thank you for asking.

Forwards: Teemu Selanne, Peter Stastny, Darryl Sittler

Defense: Borje Salming, Allan Stanley

Goalie: Terry Sawchuk

Coach: Milt Schmidt

This is pretty clearly our new clubhouse leader. Let’s do a few more and see if anyone can take a run at them.

Team T8

I kind of like this one, which turns into a fun mix of new and old.

Forwards: Bryan Trottier, Joe Thornton, Esa Tikkanen

Defense: J.C. Tremblay, Shea Theodore

Goalie: Tiny Thompson

Coach: Michel Therrien

OK, one more from me and then it will be over to you.

Team M6

While I think we can all agree that the M7 crew is generally much more handsome and witty and smart, they apparently don’t like to play defense, so we’ll apologize to Connor McDavid and friends and go with this crew instead. They’re stacked up front, so much so that we can invoke our “avoid the olds” guideline to drop Howie Morenz.

Forwards: Stan Mikita, Evgeni Malkin, Mike Modano

Defense: Larry Murphy, Dave Manson

Goalie: Kirk McLean

Coach: Bryan Murray

Not bad at all, especially if any rough stuff breaks out and we need Manson to come in and clean house.

That’s a dozen attempts from me, which feels like a good place to stop. But I’m curious to see what you all come up with. Want to put together that McDavid Team M7 squad, and maybe see how they line up against Auston Matthews and Team M8? Anyone want to go obscure, or try to build a team that can hit the double digits? It’s mid-July and there’s nothing going on, so let’s keep those hockey fires burning down in the comment section.

(Top photo of Joe Thornton and Shea Theodore in 2017: Jeff Bottari / NHLI via Getty Images)