The modern wedding is breaking all the rules

When my son and his bride-to-be started to plan their wedding in Los Angeles, where they live, they called two venues that had come highly recommended. One was an old estate and the other was a warehouse that had been converted into a funky venue with an outdoor patio. They got as far as the price – US$70,000 and US$45,000 respectively. That was just to rent the space – chairs and tables were extra.

It cemented what they already knew: A traditional wedding was going to cost a ridiculous amount. So, they decided to go for something small, budget-friendly and custom-made to suit them.

Wedding budget do’s and don’ts: Here’s what married people regret spending on and what was actually worth it

This summer, our son Conor and his partner, Jill, will be married at a dear family friend’s cottage in Lake of Bays, Ont. The meal will be served family style, they are making their own playlist and they will exchange vows on a stone patio overlooking the water with 50 of their closest friends and family. The smaller guest list means they can splurge on things that matter most to them: top-notch food, nicer wines and thoughtful mementos for their guests.

“None of our circle of friends is interested in having a big wedding,” says my future daughter-in-law, Jill Cimorelli. “The high cost of living these days makes it really difficult to justify spending tens of thousands of dollars on just one day. It seems frivolous, and we’d rather put the money toward the down payment on a house.

“We want to create something small and intimate that is all about celebrating the start of our life together with the people who matter most to us. We don’t need, or want, to make a big splashy show of it.”

Forget engagement rings. Now people are proposing with watches

This generation of soon-to-be-marrieds is rewriting the traditional wedding rules and making them their own. Small, intimate and drop-dead romantic nuptials are increasingly more popular than large and extravagant affairs (although, of course, those still exist).

Multitiered cakes, elaborate floral displays, receiving lines, choreographed first dances, guest books and traditional gift registries are all passe. Church weddings, too, are increasingly rare. Instead, couples are tying the knot in art galleries, craft breweries and even coffee shops. Others are making a beeline straight to city hall and using their savings to fund a dream honeymoon instead.

As Vancouver wedding planner Alicia Keats puts it, the rise in non-traditional weddings comes with a new ideology: There’s no wrong way to celebrate. “The trend with our couples is they want their wedding to be unique and reflective of themselves. They don’t want anything cookie cutter or something that’s been done to death before.”

Couples are eloping to create one-of-a-kind weddings

Keats, owner of Alicia Keats Weddings and Events, says the pandemic hit a reset button on the global US$70-billion wedding sector and brought smaller weddings to the forefront. “The more intimate, modern wedding is here to stay. Before COVID, my average guest list was 150 to 200 people. Now 60 is the average number and we are also doing weddings for 25 people or less.”

Michelle Bilodeau and Karen Cleveland, co-authors of The New Wedding Book: A Guide to Ditching All the Rules, say the average Canadian wedding now costs $22,000 to $30,000, with that figure closer to $50,000 in major cities such as Toronto or Vancouver. However, many couples no longer want to spend that much.

“Broadly speaking, people are less open to carrying debt right now because it’s very expensive to borrow,” says Bilodeau, who adds a BMO Financial Group survey found Canadian couples dip into their savings and investments to front approximately 60 per cent of their wedding costs. “For many young couples the math just doesn’t square. Couples have no desire to spend the next five to 10 years paying off a wedding.”

This shift means the modern wedding looks very different from ones that came before. To find out just how different, we talked to wedding planners, stylists and caterers from across the country.

Small guest lists

The guest list is often the biggest sore point between parents and couples. Tradition used to dictate that mom and dad had a say in who was coming (usually because they were paying). Now, even if they’re footing part of the bill, they often find they have little sway. Toronto wedding planner Kim Miyama says microweddings necessitate being ruthless, which means “they’re not inviting cousins they haven’t seen in 15 years or their parents’ work associates. Pared down means being picky, and they are prioritizing the people they expect will still be an important part of their life in the next 10, 20, 30 years.”

To keep parental tension to a minimum, Keats recommends sharing your vision of the wedding with family from the outset, so the total guest count is clear. Also, have those conversations long before you start sending out Save the Dates. “Often the concern for parents is they have been invited to other friends’ children’s weddings and they feel bad that they can’t reciprocate. However, if you book a small venue – and you communicate clearly to your parents and others what the capacity is – then it’s far easier for you, and your parents, to explain the lack of wiggle room.”

Big wedding parties are also disappearing. Keats estimates that 60 per cent of her couples have wedding parties – the rest do not. Of those that do have attendants, couples are creating gender-inclusive titles, from bridespeople and groomspeople to wedding squads and friends of honour, and not focusing on specific sides.

Unexpected venues

“Couples are not afraid to think outside the box and they’re hosting weddings in places that feel authentic to them. If they met at a library, a bowling alley or a neighbourhood restaurant then the ceremony might just take place there,” says Miyama.

They are also open to switching the traditional order of things. Bilodeau says some couples have a small ceremony and then hold a party/reception another day. “A friend of mine was at her nephew’s wedding recently where about 40 people – mostly family and a few close friends – were invited to the ceremony, which ended at 9:30. Most of that crowd went home, and then they had 50 friends to a rocking party. It makes sense: The older people were happy to call it an early night and the young ones got to whoop it up. Everyone was happy.”

She has also noticed an uptick in weekday weddings (venues are typically pricier on weekends) and a renewed interest in morning weddings with a lovely catered brunch to follow. “It’s higher-end than our grandparents’ generation who got married in the church and hosted punch and party sandwiches in the basement after – but it’s the same idea. It’s back to basics and all about keeping things simple and sweet.”

Food served with less fuss

This is the foodie generation and first-rate eats and drinks are of paramount importance – even ones on a limited budget. “They’ll scrimp in other areas to make sure their guests get the freshest seasonal ingredients,” says chef John Pritchard, owner of Pure Kitchen Catering in Charlottetown. To cut costs, meals can be served family-style or set up at a buffet, which means a couple can save money on servers but offer guests food upgrades such as artisanal breads and better cuts of meat. “They want their guests to feel pampered, which means filling their bellies with really good food.”

Food stations and now grazing stations are also popular. Katie Eyre, founder of Brie & Banquet Wild Catering Co. in Calgary, started her business five years ago because couples wanted something more casual than a sit-down dinner, but more interesting and sophisticated than your standard buffet. Her grazing tables, for example, are decorated with an abundance of live florals and greens and include bites and canapes such as mini beef Wellingtons, lobster rolls, deviled eggs with caviar, duck confit, vegan falafel bites with black garlic aioli, and truffle sausage rolls. Eyre’s price-per-person starts at $45 compared with about $100 a person for a sit-down dinner.

“The concept of a bride and groom sitting at a head table, apart from their guests, is fading away,” says Eyre. “Our customers want luxe food, made available in a relaxed way, that allows them to hang out with their guests throughout the evening. They don’t want people sitting down listening to long, boring speeches.” As for dessert, she adds very few couples want a traditional wedding cake. Most opt for dessert tables laden with an assortment of sweets. She even offers something called the Cheese Tower Cake – a stack of gourmet cheeses that can be disassembled into a charcuterie board, with cupcakes, churros or cookies on the side.

When it comes to libations, most couples still offer a fully stocked bar but the trend to sober weddings is gaining momentum, says Cleveland.

The death of the registry

Where couples once registered for fine china and good silver, many no longer want – or need – household items. Instead, they set up online cash registries through sites such as Zola, Hitchd or Honeyfund to put toward a down payment or a honeymoon.

In many cultures, monetary gifts have always been expected, says Keats, however in the past five to 10 years this has become more widespread. She recommends couples be specific about where they plan to spend the money (guests like to know). Word of mouth is the ideal way to let guests know that you would prefer a monetary gift, she adds, but some couples will add a note to their wedding website to that effect. Over all, Keats says most guests now understand that the most appreciated gift is cash or a cheque.