SEX FILES: Dating lessons from my year-long gym hunt

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I spent years searching for a gym that felt like home. Eventually, I found a fitness studio that offered women-focused strength training, yoga, and barre classes, nestled right in my neighbourhood, a five-minute walk from home. I loved that I could go to my gym, work up a sweat, and engage with a great community of people. Last spring, when my gym closed its doors for good, I mourned the loss like a breakup.

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Over the past 12 months, I’ve been on a fitness safari, searching for a new spot to work out. From bougie yoga studios to gyms owned by popular chains – I’ve tried it all. Through courting various fitness facilities around town, I realized that shopping for a gym isn’t unlike dating.

Here are some transferable lessons from my hunt to find a new place to pump iron.

Trust your intuition.

I can walk into a gym space and immediately know that it’s not for me (i.e. the gym with such strong “bro vibes” that I wasn’t sure whether I was working out in a frat house, or a fitness facility).

In some instances, it can take a few “dates” to come to a similar conclusion – as was the case with the aesthetically pleasing hot yoga studio that was a solid contender until I realized that I don’t enjoy practising the downward dog around throngs of excessively sweaty, shirtless men.

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It’s important to trust these intuitive pings – whether you’re dating a gym or a human being. Both experiences require a significant investment of time and resources, so if it’s not an enthusiastic yes, it’s a no.

Desperation can be felt a mile away.

One afternoon, I passed a man holding a placard advertising a new gym. He was urging passersby to “Come inside and check it out!” When I ignored him he chased after me. “It’s free! Just come for a tour!” he said as he motioned to the dank-looking space behind him. The desperation was palpable and I couldn’t walk away fast enough.

Don’t be this guy while dating. People who bring something valuable to the table don’t have to shout it from the rooftops. It’s obvious by how they move through the world and interact with the people they date. They express authentic interest in their romantic prospects, return texts, and show up in a kind and respectful way. They do not chase or harass people into dating them.

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If you find you’re always having to chase love interests or prove your worth to them, it might be time to step back and examine why that is. In the meantime, redirect your energy to yourself. When you grow as an individual, you attract the right people in your life.

No one likes a stage-five clinger.

A few months ago, I signed up for an intro class at a popular gym franchise. It wasn’t a fit and yet, they call, text, and email me with an alarming regularity. I hear from this gym franchise more than I speak to some of my closest friends! Their inability to respect my no is a huge red flag.

The same applies to dating. Respect other people’s boundaries and know when to throw in the towel. If you’re always the one reaching out and you receive very little in return, this sign that they’re not interested. Cut your losses.

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It should feel fun and easy.

I thought I’d found the perfect gym. The only problem: it required a 30 minute commute and it was located in a desolate-looking warehouse, reminiscent of the set of Saw. The stress of navigating these obstacles would cancel out the endorphins from working out.

Like fitness, our romantic relationships should feel fun, safe and aligned with our existing lifestyle.

No one entity can meet all your needs and that’s OK.

When I began my search, I had a list of criteria for my ideal gym – a great community, optional dance classes, an outdoor pool, affordable and close to my home. I was looking for something that quite literally, doesn’t exist in my city.

While it’s important to know what you want, be flexible with your checklist. Focus instead on how you want to feel when you’re in a specific space or spending time with someone.

Once I got clear on what’s most important to me in a gym – community and location – I found what I was looking for.

My new gym is close to my house. The people are kind and knowledgeable. Most importantly, I enjoy spending time there.

I look forward to finding a relationship that feels the same way.

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