How To Find Your Most Fulfilling Job, According To A Psychologist

Americans are unhappier at work than they have been in years, according to Gallup report. Sixty percent of people reported being emotionally detached at work and 19% say they are miserable.

If you’re one of these people, you’ve probably spent a lot of time reflecting on the reasons why you don’t like your job. Maybe you complain about your micromanaging boss. Perhaps you think it’s that your tasks are super boring and tedious.

But what actually might be at play could be something deeper, says Dr. Tessa West, Professor of Psychology at New York University, where she is a leading expert on the science of social relationships.

In her new book, Job Therapy:Finding Work That Works for You, Dr. West helps you figure out the real reason you’re unhappy and shows you how to find a new position in which you’ll thrive, whether in a different role, company, or new industry altogether. She’s researched thousands of people who have recently switched jobs or undergone career changes and shares her insights in this interview.

Melody Wilding: What inspired you to write Job Therapy? What’s the story behind it?

Tess West: I really started thinking about writing Job Therapy when I was teaching a close relationships class at NYU. We focused a lot on relationship disillusionment—the breakup stage, falling out of love, on-again-off-again relationships, and navigating the dating scene.

I started seeing all these parallels between what people dealing with relationship issues go through and what people who come to me with workplace problems are facing. They sound similar. It’s like going on a first date that feels like a job interview, with the same missteps and concerns about misleading profiles or not asking tough questions.

These psychological processes kept coming up in both my roles—as a teacher of close relationships and as a workplace consultant studying interpersonal interactions. I wanted to merge these insights and experiences from both domains into Job Therapy. It’s about unpacking the emotional complexity often overlooked in the workplace—like feeling stuck or unsuccessful, similar to a challenging personal relationship.

For example, someone once asked me how to predict workplace behaviors like ‘ghosting’ on the first day. I explained that we could draw parallels from dating trends. People started ‘ghosting’ on Tinder and Grindr before we saw it in the workplace—a shift that reflects broader behavioral patterns across different contexts.

Wilding: Can you talk about the five psychological types you outline? What about these surprised you?

West: The first type I discuss is the most existential one, which is the crisis of identity. These individuals have often been in the same career for a long time, investing a lot of effort, time, and sometimes money—a significant sunk cost. They have strong social networks, know their field well, and enjoy status, but they begin to experience existential panic, questioning whether they still love the identity they’ve held onto.

It’s akin to owning a large house and having children—a deeply embedded life—but suddenly feeling that this might be all life has to offer. For these individuals, the journey often starts with questioning whether their old career still defines them so deeply that letting it go would leave a void difficult to fill. They need to honestly assess whether their identity is central to their satisfaction or merely a source of discomfort.

Next, we have those who have drifted apart from their job, somewhat like looking at a spouse and not recognizing them anymore. These individuals experience less angst and more of a disconnection, feeling nostalgic for what their workplace used to be, especially post-pandemic changes. They question whether the industry or just their job has changed fundamentally, and how significant these changes are locally or globally.

Then there’s the ‘stretched too thin’ type, which I believe applies to everyone. This chapter delves into the challenges faced by those burdened with multiple roles at work and how this impact their passion for the work they love. It also discusses the neuroscience of memory formation, highlighting why task-switching can be so mentally taxing and how understanding this can improve productivity.

Following that, I discuss individuals who feel the job doesn’t give back what they invest in it. The ‘runner-up’ type often feels competent but struggles to secure promotions due to communication gaps and unclear expectations. Many receive little or no feedback on their career progression, leading to frustration and confusion about how to advance.

Lastly, there are the ‘underappreciated stars’—individuals recognized for their talent but not adequately compensated or rewarded. This chapter challenges the assumption that everyone desires star status, emphasizing that many companies prioritize reliability over perceived brilliance. Understanding these dynamics and aligning personal goals with corporate values are key themes in this section.

As I formed these five types, several surprises emerged. One of the challenges was realizing that many people feel ambivalent about their jobs. I expected clearer signals—either love or hate—but found that feelings can fluctuate rapidly. It’s akin to the complexities of relationships, where emotions towards our jobs can oscillate without clear markers, similar to the uncertainty before a breakup.

Wilding: The stress test is really useful. What are your favorite questions from that and what can they tell you?

West: I collaborated with Amy Gordon, a professor at the University of Michigan, and Wendy Mendez, a Yale professor, on daily stress research. They developed an app called My VP Lab, available on Samsung devices, to measure daily stress and correlate it with blood pressure, which can now be measured using a Samsung phone.

For the book, I adapted their insights into a more concise framework. During my interview with Amy, she emphasized the importance of asking people if what they anticipate will stress them in the morning turns out to be the most stressful thing by the end of the day. She noted that people often misjudge what will stress them. This question—what are you most worried about in the morning versus what actually stressed you out in the evening—revealed about a 50% overlap in responses.

Interestingly, when people anticipate stressors, they often take preemptive steps to manage them, which can create a self-fulfilling prophecy effect. For instance, preparing extensively for a presentation can mitigate anxiety during the actual event. However, unforeseen stressors, like long and unpredictable commutes, which affect many people daily, tend to catch us off guard despite their frequency.

Most people have experienced these unexpected stressors before, yet we’re not adept at recognizing them unless prompted. This insight is crucial when evaluating job stressors or considering career changes. Instead of focusing solely on anticipated stressors, such as morning worries, it’s valuable to consider what actually caused stress during the day. This perspective shift can guide job searches and career decisions more effectively.

Wilding: Could we go through some tips for each of the 5 psychological types?

West: Sure, I think for the crisis of identity person, the toughest thing to do is to start exploring new identities while still holding onto the old one. It’s crucial to gain clarity on potential new career paths without feeling guilty, as if you’re betraying your current job. Many people feel a strange loyalty to their current role.

To accomplish this, you’ll need to break out of your comfort zone and network with people outside your industry and social circle. Most of our connections are within our workplace or industry, which makes it challenging. My top tip for you is to seek out new connections with non-overlapping social circles. This means engaging with people who don’t know each other and who offer distinct perspectives. It’s contrary to your usual networking instincts, which often involve seeking validation from familiar sources.

For those who feel drifted apart from their job, the instinct is often to blame the job for changing, not themselves. It’s essential to introspect and consider lateral changes within yourself. Rather than viewing it as ‘I used to be X, now I’m Y,’ think more about preferences changing naturally over time. Break the pattern of thinking that your career has declined while you’ve improved. Sometimes, it’s about becoming different rather than worse.

These steps can help navigate these challenging psychological types effectively.

Wilding: What did you learn about yourself through writing this book?

West: Writing this book was a revealing journey for me. Initially, I struggled with interruptions while trying to write in a Miami hotel. This led me to study how interruptions affect my ability to refocus. I realized the importance of managing interruptions strategically, both external and self-imposed.

I learned the value of radical candor in career conversations. It’s crucial to discuss potential missteps with leaders, not just my immediate boss, to understand how to progress effectively.

Exploring the concept of being an underappreciated star made me confront my professional identity. I realized success is subjective, and humility is key in navigating different career environments.

Personally, the book helped me accept my ambivalence about my job. I’ve learned to embrace the emotional roller coaster of work without judgment, recognizing that mixed feelings are natural.

Overall, writing this book deepened my understanding of career and identity, teaching me to navigate emotions like anxiety and uncertainty with authenticity.