Playing the ponies

by Trey Nosrac

BLACK SCREEN TO IRIS FADE IN.

INTERIOR:

EVENING:

A low-rent tavern. Yellowish lighting. Sparsely populated. Two 60-ish males sit on adjoining bar stools facing the mirror behind the colorful liquor bottles on the shelves. The camera is on the backs of two unnamed men and will remain the primary shot for the entire scene. Although we do not directly see their faces, we see them over their shoulders, reflected in the mirror behind the rows of liquor bottles, and we toggle back and forth to their faces as they speak.

One man is short and stocky with a fringe of greying hair around a shiny dome. He is wearing a bright blue Hawaiian shirt with green palm leaves. The other man is wearing a tan khaki sportscoat, glasses with heavy black frames, and speaks in a high-pitched voice. The two men barely move during this scene. The background for their conversation consists of traditional bar sounds, voices murmuring, and clinking glasses.

TAN JACKET MAN

How long have you been playing the ponies?

BLUE SHIRT MAN

I never played a single pony. I gamble on racehorses, harness racehorses, to be specific, trotting horses, to be more exact.

TAN MAN

How long, 25 years?

BLUE MAN

Thirty, maybe 40.

TAN MAN

Only harness horses?

BLUE MAN

I’m a purist.

TAN MAN

How many of those years did you turn a profit?

BLUE MAN

Approximately?

TAN MAN

Yeah.

BLUE MAN

Zero.

TAN MAN

Do you keep statistics, you know, data, on your losing?

BLUE MAN

I do. The math is easy: I wager exactly a hundred a week and keep it separate from stupid stuff like gas, food, alimony, and living expenses. I take a week off for Christmas and my annual Vegas trip.

TAN MAN

So, five grand a year. Are you improving? By that, I mean, are you losing less?

BLUE MAN

Nope. I get worse each year.

TAN MAN

So, you are getting stupider.

BLUE MAN

(Pause)

No, but my competition is getting smarter.

TAN MAN

Computers? Algorithms? Artificial Intelligence, Rebates?

BLUE MAN

Yeah, rebates don’t help us traditional reprobates. Regular mooks like me are skiing uphill.

TAN MAN

So why keep betting?

BLUE MAN

My luck might change. If it does, I don’t want to miss it. You know the old saying, you can’t win if you don’t play.

TAN MAN

Don’t you think you have a gambling problem?

BLUE MAN

No, I have a winning problem.

TAN MAN

Or a losing problem.

BLUE MAN

PoTAtoes, PoTAHtoes.

TAN MAN

(Chuckles)

Remember the time I went to the track with you? You bet several ways on every race and didn’t win anything, which I found strangely impressive.

BLUE MAN

Thanks, I put a lot of work into my handicapping, and nobody notices.

TAN MAN

You should place a bet on every horse racing in the first race to win, to get the feel of winning.

BLUE MAN

I’ll put that in my book of handicapping tips. The working title is, Life in the Eight Hole.

TAN MAN

Do you ever think you might be a 60-year-old dinosaur?

BLUE MAN

Maybe you should refer to me as a handicappasourus.

TAN MAN

Perhaps you shouldn’t make light of your expensive affliction.

BLUE MAN

Ease up, pal. I got everything under control. I’m not some Damon Runyan character.

TAN MAN

Who the hell is Damon Runyon?

BLUE MAN

A depression-era New York newspaperman, he was a horse racing guy, very sarcastic.

TAN MAN

(Pulls out his cell phone and thumbs)

His first name is D A M O N. What kind of name is that? He wrote this sentence, ‘Life is tough, and it’s really tough when you’re stupid.’

BLUE MAN

Are you mocking my hobby?

TAN MAN

No, I’m just gathering information.

(Still reading phone)

Here are some words to live by: The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to bet.

BLUE MAN

I’ll keep that in mind.

TAN MAN

(Still reading phone)

Here’s another one: I came to the conclusion a long time ago that all life is six to five against.

BLUE MAN

Put your freaking phone down (drops his voice and growls theatrically), one more wisecrack outta you, and you’ll find I’m packing heat.

TAN MAN

(Smiles, shakes his head and sips his beer)

What if I give you a plan for thwarting artificial intelligence and leveling the gambling field in horse racing?

BLUE MAN

Thwarting! Now that’s a word you don’t hear much in conversation.

TAN MAN

I could have used the word foiling.

BLUE MAN

Thwarting, foiling, I’m all ears; is it legal?

TAN MAN

Yep, I have a foolproof plan to improve your handicapping radically.

BLUE MAN

(Using his fingers, he gives an excited drum roll on the wooden bar top)

No kidding. Well, I’m your fool.

They clink beer glasses.

FADE TO BLACK WITH IRIS CUT